PASSION?

listening: pieces- sum 41

hello everyone.

sorry for the slightly emo tone to the past couple posts.

anyway, there's a few direct mentions with this blog

first, to j. s. i'll be here for you, whether it's for advice or someone to pour out to. i'll be there.

v. v. i'm glad we could patch things up, even if it's very tentative right now.

and thats it. there's not much else to say, except today was my last shift at calaway.

and i'm done.

good night.

-brett

JC CURRENT

listening: nothing

hey. i've been thinking all day.

my life...it's not perfect. i don't pretend like its been perfect.

i try hard, though.

i try to follow Jesus, i try to get good grades, and i try to maintain a social life.

is it normal to fail at all 3?

i mean, i look at myself in the mirror, and what do i see?

i see an average 5'10 guy with glasses staring back at me.

but thats not what i want to see.

i want to see a 5'10 guy with glasses who has it together.

i want to look at that guy and see someone who can follow Jesus without slipping up dramatically every day. who knows how to keep Him on his mind.

i want to see that guy going to university someday.

i want to glance over and see that guy hanging out with his friends, playing video games or watching a movie or something.

i want to see that guy out on a date or at least out with his friends instead of spending all his time in his basement.

so why is it so hard to make that a reality?

what is making me so different here?

or does everyone have these problems inside?

text me if you want to talk about these things: 403-891-5965

facebook message me or shoot me a message on twitter- brett lemke and brett_lemke respectively.

-brett

ENTHUSED. JK.

listening: i'm not alright- sanctus real (again. seriously, so good)

went shopping today at crossiron mills.

plaid. so much plaid.

2 pairs of plaid shorts and a plaid shirt. i love the shirt.

anyway, when i got home i started a conversation with a friend and it made me realize that the topic of i'm not alright applies directly to my life.

so i'm going to do a verse by verse play by play.

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
The "cool" is just how far we have to fall
And I'm not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

basically, what i get out of this verse is that we hide behind being 'cool', which is ultimately our downfall. no one wants to appear weak. and this is so true for me. i'll admit it, most days i wish i was one of the popular kids. but i'm not, so i try and hide my every weakness to appear cool. and that's completely fake. we're all weak here.

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to you

i wish that this verse was me, really. i am the first and second lines, which are the prechorus. then the chorus i wish i could be. because every time i screw up, it doesn't seem like it brings me closer to God. i guess i need to work on that.

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

again, i wish that this would happen to me, but i can only recall 2 occasions where this happened. the first was at yc 2 years ago, when i chickened out before i could open up to anyone. and then at camp caroline this past year when i poured my heart out for help with one of by biggest demons. and after that God was there to lead me on. so i think if i put a little effort in, this could happen again.

Cause honestly, I'm not that strong

does this song know me? because really, i'm not. at all. i'm basically a pushover, just asking for help every time instead of taking charge, and then apologising and relapsing.

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright
... that's why I need You.

speaks for itself there.

and i apologise for the deeply personal message of this blog, but it's something i'm currently dealing with and i needed to get it off my chest somewhere.

-brett

THIS COUNTS AS JUNE 25

listening: i'm not alright- sanctus real
(i'm not alright, i'm broken inside, and all i go through, it leads me to you)
seriously, this is such a good song. it's representative of my life in so many ways. listen to it. youtube it. get it into your system any way you can.
i got a new phone today (finally) after accidentally dropping my old one into a glass of orange juice. >_<
anyway, its a nokia flippy thing and it should last me two and a half years. thats when my contract runs out.
i worked my second last shift at calaway today. so happy to be rid of that place after one more shift.
btw, this post definitely counts as a june 25 post. its barely 12:50 am. and i'll blog again 'today' (june 26) so there's no harm done.
anyway, i'm going to explore my phone a bit
-brett

MW2, NOS, AND OXM PLAYLISTS

listening: not afraid- eminem

yes, i know that the title is almost the same as yesterday's. but the day was also almost the same as yesterday. biked down to mac's, bought a nos, and made a couple playlists. i sent one in to the xbox magazine as a modern warfare 2 playlist. hope it gets published. it consistes of:

not afraid- eminem

game on- disciple

frontline- pillar

becoming the bull- atreyu

a hero loses everyday- silverstein

it fits the game like a glove. :)

anyway, i have to work my second last shift at calaway tomorrow. argh. hope it gets rained out.

my last shift is sunday. 14 hours separate me from summer freedom. i can't believe i wanted that stupid job

[/rant]

i broke my nose yesterday, that was fun.

lacrosse ball to the face.

my nose hurts and it's all stuffed up.

good start to the summer.

rock band 3 looks, well, amazing. the guitar has strings, they have a keyboard part, and the pro mode teaches you how to play guitar and keyboard.

i'm going to buy the package.

btw, the guitar can be plugged into an amp for real rock band.

my preciousssss...

-brett

MW2, NOS, AND SUMMER PLAYLISTS

listening: my heroine- silverstein
gangsta's paradise (screamo remix)- in fear and faith

summer.
it's a bit of a bittersweet time.
for one thing, the freedom is amazing.

i ride down to mac's every day to buy myself a nos, get home and play xbox or sit outside, depending on the weather.

i hang out with danny, ride to the mall, or just dick around at home with my family.

but at the same time, i miss the familiarity of school.

i miss lunchtimes in the debate room, i miss the friends i made this year (jenn, kim, matt, coleby, jenica, justin) or the friendships i continued (leandro, natalie, deanna, etc.).

i brood over the fact that when I go back in the fall, all of the grade 12 friends i made (except matt) will be gone, and the only ones left in the room will be me, jenn, leo, marguerite and coleby, plus a horde of new grade 10's.

summer comes with the grim realization that my grade 12 support system had moved on, leaving us to completely fend for ourselves.

summer branches the known and the unknown, providing us with freedom that, come september, will be swiftly and brutally replaced with classes, grades, and homework.

so as this summer trundles along, i'll enjoy it, but there will be a few clouds hanging over my head.
-brett

2 DAY RECAP!

listening: gangsta's paradise- in fear and faith

oh my goodness. i haven't posted in days.

forgive me. i blame exams :p

i'm going to recap two days now.

yesterday first.

8:20 am: brett! get up! you have to be here when opa gets here!

after 4 hours sleep.

8:30 am: opa gets there.

9:00 am: start work on alanna's car

11:00 am: finished changing the brakes on alanna's car

11:05 am: worked on my bike

11:45 am: failed at fixing my bike

12:00 pm: eat lunch. no time to change my jeans with the brake dust and dirt on them

12:15 pm: leave for my exam

1:00 pm: exam starts

1:20 pm: finished my exam

2:00 pm: allowed to leave the exam room

3:00 pm: finally get home

5:00 pm: eat dinner

6:00 pm: drive the hyundai to work :D. first time i was allowed!

6:30 pm: work starts

8:30 pm: work ends

9:30 pm: leave to go see toy story 3 with alanna

12:05 am: toy story 3 ends, start to go home

12:30 am: facebook while alanna watches the bachelorette

2:00 am: watch half of across the universe

3:00 am: stumble into my bed

3:30 am: sleep

12:15 pm: wake up

12:30 pm: go down to brackens with a grilled cheese and a red rain

12:45 pm: burned all of last years homework

1:30 pm: go down to the pool with danny

2:00 pm: get kicked out of the pool due to thunder

2:30 pm: find a lady's missing kid in a downpour

3:15 pm: get home soaked to the bone to find my sister in hysterics

3:45 pm: get out of the shower. finally

4:00 pm. commence facebooking

5:00 pm: blog

and now for what i'm doing for the rest of the day

5:30 pm: last guitar lesson of the year

7:00 pm: commence work!

9:00 pm: finish work!

10:00 pm (just kidding): bed

bored yet? me too!

-brett

4 DAYS SANS POST?

listening: all black- good charlotte

good riddance- green day (in my head)

today was the last day of school.

*yay!*

it's strangely sad.

i've made so many new friends this year that i don't wanna go three months without seeing them.

however the day was pretty great.

play by play starts in 3...2...1...

french- zoolander! en francais!

spare- fooled around on nigel's backpack guitar, got my yearbook signed

lunch- fire drill! debate room group hug! yogurt exploding all over my pack!

math- heads up seven up, pictionary, hangman, doodling, and locker cleanout

locker cleanout- mr. lopez never ending speech episode 300 000: how to clean out your locker. what a boring man.

i went home after that.

i'm actually really sad that i won't see my friends (mainly leo and jenn) until september. i'm working full time, jenn is going to cali and alaska, and leo is also working.

speaking of work, my first shift at calaway is tomorrow.

i'm nervous.

in fact, i'm pretty much just a quivering wreck right now.

i spent the last hour playing gta 4 and throwing myself out of helicopters, off buildings, etc.

it made me feel good.

also, i'm getting sick, so i took some meds and i should fall asleep any second.

so thats it.

grade 10 is done.

grade 10 is done.

grade 10 is done.

-brett

p. s. i'm really going to miss people this summer.

LOSER

listening: loser- beck

(i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me)

oh wow.

how to describe the day i had.

chronologically, i guess.

period 1- french

presented my 'le petit prince' project

presented my 'ligne de temps illustre'' project

period 2- spare

prepared for my english essay

prepared for my math unit final

period 3- math

unit final

period 4- english

essay- final essay, to be exact.

needless to say, i'm tired, and i don't want to go to school for the rest of the year which happens to be around four days.

tired.

stressed.

this week better pick up, and fast.

-brett

PUT UR HANDS UP

listening: put ur hands up- family force 5

hey. walking sucks.

to put not so elegantly, my foot hurts like a *profanity deleted*.

since it's not used to having weight on it, the bones are all bruised.

sad face.

5 days till exams.

5 days of classes left.

this is literally the home stretch. grade 10 is almost done.

which means next year i have to work so freaking hard

crap.

-brett

ps. who should i back in the world cup?

CRICKET

listening: the CRICKET song- wilbur sargunaraj
sorry about the lack of blogging yesterday. internet is down at home and i'm actually in math right now, my brain melting into a puddle of ooze reminiscent of jell-o pudding. seriously, the amount of easiness is making my brain wither and die. I'm finished about 30 minutes before the rest of the class except spencer. he finished before me.
anyway, tonight is bollywood night at youth with indian superstar wilbur sargunaraj. hence, listening to it right now.
yesterday i went to the hospital and he cleared me for walking. it hurts.
anyway, back to "work" (facebook)
-brett

SILENCE

listening: my keyboard clacking.

have you ever been so tired but you just couldn't fall asleep? i'm in full out stress/panic mode.

my mind is racing.

there's school that i'm stressed out about.

(have i missed assignments?

what if i have to take -2 courses?

did mme. hajee get my portfolio?

will my mark in english go up enough for me to stay in -1?)

there's the future that i'm panicking about

(will i get into premed?

will i pass my premed courses?

will i take all the necessary premed courses?

will i pass the mcat?

will i be one of the 10% or so of applicants who make it into med school?)

and then there's friendships.

(will i make more friends next year?

will i have time for a social life or

will my life revolve around school and work?)

panicky. tired. stressful.

-brett

MY OBSESSION

listening: skillet- my obsession

spare first! i'm in the library preparing for my french written exam next period. and by that i mean listening to music and blogging. same thing really.
i really should be studying, but i don't even know the topic for the essay i have to write. and really, how do you study for a written exam? its all just bs'ing your way through.
i also went to the u of a website again. looks like this is what i'll need for medical school entry:
high school courses:
bio 30
chem 30
physics 30
english 30-1
math 30 pure/-1

and then to graduate, i also need these:
french 30-1/-2
so studies 30-1/-2

trouble is, i'm going into the new math course the cbe is implementing. they don't put in the new pure math 30 course until 2012-2013, so it looks like an extra semester of high school is in order.

then the university courses i need to take are:
Full year equivalents (six transferable units of course weight) in each of:
-General Chemistry (may include Inorganic Chemistry)
-IB Chemistry (HL) with a grade of 6 or 7 is equivalent to a half year course - need to complete another half year General Chemistry to meet our requirement.
-AP Chemistry students can apply to write a Credit by Special Assessment examination equivalent to half year 1XX course - need to complete another half year Chemistry course to meet our requirement.
-Organic Chemistry
-Biology
( may include Microbiology, Zoology, Genetics, Botany, Physiology, Bacteriology, Immunology, Entomology) .
-IB Biology (HL) with a grade of 6 or 7 is equivalent to a half year course - need to complete another half year Biology to meet our requirement.
-AP Biology with a grade of 4 or 5 is equivalent to a half year course - need to complete another half year Biology to meet our requirement.
-Physics
-U of A Students: Physics 114 does NOT meet our physics requirement.
-IB Physics (HL) with a grade of 6 or 7 is equivalent to a full year and does meet our Physics requirement.
-IB Physics (SL) with a grade of 6 or 7 is equivalent to a half year - need to completely another half year of Physicals to meet our requirement.
-AP Physics B and AP Physics C with a grade of 4 or 5 is equivalent to a full year and will meet the Physics requirement
-English
English courses offered by the Department of English. Preference for one full year of English Literature courses, or one half year of English Literature and one half year of English Composition (DOES NOT include Classics, History or Philosophy).
-IB English (HL) with a grade of 6 or 7 is equivalent to a full year and does meet our English requirement.
Half-year equivalents (three units of course weight) in each of:
-Statistics:
-AP Statistics with a grade of 4 or 5 is equivalent to half year statistics and does meet our Statistics requirement.
-Biochemistry (Introductory)
Where possible, students are encouraged to take a full year Biochemistry course when continuing in a degree program. Course substitutions will only be evaluated when detailed week by week course.

and the dust settles, and panic sets in.
-brett

FRONTLINE

listening: pillar-frontline

(everybody with their fist raised high, let me hear your battle cry tonight)

today was a good day. great, even

100% on a math quiz

movie in english

movie and oral exam in french, which i think i did good on

and spare last, which meant i could finish my homework before school ended

i'm starting to think that these last eight days of school are going to be pretty awesome.

i go to the hospital thursday and have them inspect and xray my leg to see if i can walk on it

i'm already walking on it, but i need to know for sure

so i'm going to leave you with that.

-brett