ENTHUSED. JK.

listening: i'm not alright- sanctus real (again. seriously, so good)

went shopping today at crossiron mills.

plaid. so much plaid.

2 pairs of plaid shorts and a plaid shirt. i love the shirt.

anyway, when i got home i started a conversation with a friend and it made me realize that the topic of i'm not alright applies directly to my life.

so i'm going to do a verse by verse play by play.

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
The "cool" is just how far we have to fall
And I'm not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

basically, what i get out of this verse is that we hide behind being 'cool', which is ultimately our downfall. no one wants to appear weak. and this is so true for me. i'll admit it, most days i wish i was one of the popular kids. but i'm not, so i try and hide my every weakness to appear cool. and that's completely fake. we're all weak here.

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to you

i wish that this verse was me, really. i am the first and second lines, which are the prechorus. then the chorus i wish i could be. because every time i screw up, it doesn't seem like it brings me closer to God. i guess i need to work on that.

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

again, i wish that this would happen to me, but i can only recall 2 occasions where this happened. the first was at yc 2 years ago, when i chickened out before i could open up to anyone. and then at camp caroline this past year when i poured my heart out for help with one of by biggest demons. and after that God was there to lead me on. so i think if i put a little effort in, this could happen again.

Cause honestly, I'm not that strong

does this song know me? because really, i'm not. at all. i'm basically a pushover, just asking for help every time instead of taking charge, and then apologising and relapsing.

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright
... that's why I need You.

speaks for itself there.

and i apologise for the deeply personal message of this blog, but it's something i'm currently dealing with and i needed to get it off my chest somewhere.

-brett